R.O.T.O.R. (1988)
Directed by Cullen Blaine
Imperial Entertainment Corp. VHS
THE FILM
When you're awkward, you can be
afraid to even open your mouth.
Your brain seems wired wrong. You
can hear what people are saying
but your responses to them seem
to materialize from a different
world. Just saying "Hello!"
to someone you like or who you want
to be your friend can be grueling.
You work up the courage, step up
and after two stumbling words you’re
thinking, "Damn, I should have
just sat quietly." People say
there are no stupid questions but
there are plenty of stupid statements.
And, the supply of stupid, incoherent
statements an awkward person can
make is endless.
You do, truly, need to learn to
be yourself. You're no longer awkward
when you do that. And, when you
are just being you, it is the most
natural thing in the world. People
who are going to like you can see
you as you are and they will want
to be your friends. Life is a breeze.
But, it ain't easy, Jack. Some people
are awkward for what seems like
a very few moments. Some people
are awkward for a couple of years.
Some people are awkward their whole
lives (Hello, Stargate
fans!) You shouldn't penalize someone
for trying and failing. Kids want
to be like the "cool kids."
I know I did.
And, I know R.O.T.O.R.
does. As awkward as you may have
been as a youngster (or now), R.O.T.O.R.
is ten times more awkward. Everything
about it says "Hello Suzie!
Would you go to the Winter Formal
with me?" but halfway through
its voice cracks and then it has
to suppress a belch. Like the fat
kid who just wants friends or the
acne-covered kid who you can't stop
staring at, R.O.T.O.R.
just wants to be loved.
Robocop was big, flashy
and popular. It had a lot of friends.
After a few years, it would have
an extended family. Why wouldn't
a group of filmmakers and folks
in Texas want to bring themselves
into your video store under the
guise of "robot cop-style cool?"
I know I would. But, everyone involved
with this film seems a little embarrassed.
(Except Dr. Steele. More about her
later.)
R.O.T.O.R. is a prototype robotic
cop that gets loose and goes renegade
one Thursday night. It is up to
Dr. Coldyron, Dr. Steele and a woman
named Sony (pronounced Sonya) to
bring him down before he carries
out his mission and (eventually)
kills everyone, everywhere in the
sweet, sweet world. But, the film
just cannot stop fumbling. The acting,
the dialog, the action scenes, the
effects, the plotting, the music,
the songs ("Hideaway,"
a hot romantic duet) -- their voices
keep cracking and they keep raising
their arms, showing off the sweat
stains. My God, though, they are
trying their hardest.
Maybe too hard. There was a period
in eighth grade when I wore Hawaiian
shirts and jams because all the
other guys wore them. I could dress
like them but I goofed up all on
my own. During scenes where tension
is supposed to be high, they layer
on the music, which only ends up
drawing attention to itself and
how un-tense events on screen are.
There's a scene where a government
guy (Buglar) is telling Dr. Coldyron
about the R.O.T.O.R. project falling
apart and all of them going to jail.
The scene goes on and on and this
tense music plays. But, it only
makes the whole thing sillier. The
government guy even opens a Coke
and pours it in a glass awkwardly.
The thing about it is -- if you’re
cool, you're cool. Even if you do
something goofy, it can be spun-off
as cool or easily forgotten. It
takes a lot to lose the "cool."
Same with awkward. Once you do an
awkward thing, it takes one cool
thing to make you neutral again.
Each goofy thing you do expands
your reputation exponentially. You
will always be tainted with "dork"
until it is fully shed and that
may never happen. R.O.T.O.R.
certainly doesn't do it.
Some folks are dubbed, some speak
live. But, almost every line spoken
is awkward. It could have been translated
from Russian to English by a non-English
and non-Russian speaking Guatemalan.
There is a meeting of scientists
that consists of the most hilariously
odd lines of dialog ever. Really.
At first they just seem strange,
but, boy they build. Not a single
line sounds natural or makes any
sense. The folks sitting around
the table delivering them only add
to the ambiance. It is legitimately
hysterical.
Now, one guy I know who has seen
this movie thinks that the things
I’ve said here means that
this film is junk and not worth
your time. I like to think we make
friends with the fat kid here at
Bleeding Skull. We welcome in everyone
and make a place for them. Some
folks, granted, just don't want
to play and that's fine. Go with
God. But, R.O.T.O.R., Sweet
R.O.T.O.R., is one for
the whole family (figuratively speaking).
It wants to be an exciting action
film with a touch of comedy so badly
that you watch and giggle but definitely
enjoy. I think that's enough.
Go out today and make a new friend
-- with R.O.T.O.R.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Looks fine. Maybe the DVD Special
Edition will reveal elements of
color and shade that I'm missing
but, really, I'm all right. Audio:
Fine. If I can feel the beat of
the drum machine, I know I'm in
good hands.
EXTRAS
Black Eagle! Van Damme!
Some other guy! And their pal! Action!
Intrigue! Sex?
My Extras: A Letter to Dr. Steele
(Mr. Skull has been kind enough
to place a photo of Dr. Steele nearby.)
Dr. Steele,
Will you be my friend? I don't want
to push. Who knows where this could
go? I know: You are huge. You could
pick me up and toss me across the
room. And, frankly, I would love
every minute of it. Your skunk mullet
would draw attention to us at restaurants
and people would say "Who are
they who believe they can flaunt
societal decorum?" and I would
tell them to "Cram it!"
because you and I should be friends.
Good friends. I'm making you a mix
tape, downloading it to my MP3 player
and sending it, online, to your
heart. Call me?
-- Dan "Bleeding Skull's Friend"
FINAL THOUGHTS
More awkward than a greased melon
on top of a conical soup tureen,
R.O.T.O.R. is, nevertheless,
pure joy. This one may be obscure
but it sure ain't tough to find.
Find it, watch it and enjoy. If
you know Dr. Steele, send her my
best.
"We've got to find our hideaway!"
We will.
— Dan Budnik, 11.22.06 |
Coldyron is on your wavelength
"God only knows this is spectacular..."
Call her Woman. Call her Dr. Steele.
R.O.T.O.R. = friend
|
