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RUNAWAY NIGHTMARE (1982)
Directed by Mike Cartel
All Seasons Entertainment VHS
Reviewed 03.01.06
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
I was making love with two women
under a luscious polyester bedspread.
A motorcycle revved through the
room. One of the ladies instantly
gained 100 pounds and laughed at
my chosen vocation (a "bug
farmer"). Then, a 10 foot tall
man hit me in the face with a beer
bottle. I fell onto a naked girl
in a coffin. I was still alive.
This was the most beautiful dream
of all time.
Mike Cartel, the one-time director
of Runaway Nightmare, may
very well be the authoritative expert
on retarded filmmaking. Is this
movie the ultimate "large,
wet dream" for testosterone-bursting
males? Is it a sly wink-wink to
the early 80s film industry? Is
my foot ON FIRE?! Please, let's
calm down. All will be revealed
in time. As we speak, Mr. Cartel's
hand is radiating golden rays. Just
like Jeff Lynne when he's singing
ELO's "Strange Magic."
It is time for a journey; one of
protracted syllables and extended
stares. This might be the most important
experience you've experienced in
the last five minutes.
Ralph (hot ziggety, it's Mike Cartel!)
and Jason are insect farmers at
the Death Valley Insect Ranch. A
couple of guys bury a cardboard
coffin out in the desert, where
Ralph and Jason happen to be sunbathing.
They dig it up. Inside is a breathing,
naked girl. Jason carries her back
to the insect farm. A cult of strange
females bust in, flash some knives
and guns, and kidnap our heroes.
And so it begins. These black candle
babes, led by a woman named Hesperia,
are caught up in a feud with the
mafia over a suitcase of Platinum.
Ralph and Jason are forced to join
the club after a series of strenuous
tests; sleeping in a barn, having
lots of odd sex, and hanging upside
down. Before you know it, Jason
gets a hot foot, a toolbox blows
up, and two girls settle things
with a duel ("I'll make this
quick...no...I'm gonna take a loooong
time with you..."). Still awake?
I hope not.
If the plot plows your field, wait'll
you get a load of the lethal technicalities.
Entirely post-dubbed (possibly by
Jimmy Stewart and Patty Hearst),
Runaway Nightmare moves
in slow motion and communicates
with grunts. It's not weird, just
unbelievably stupid; think Frozen
Scream minus the defective
genius. Hilarious shot on video
nude inserts slice through the film
whenever the hint of sexy stuff
rears 'round. No heads, just groping
boobs. People burst into laughter
at inside jokes that we never hear.
Ridiculous imagery (a crimson bedroom
in the back of a utility van, a
living vampire girl inside of a
gaudy picture frame) blows through
like so much Angel Dust in the wind.
Occasionally, there's a brief instance
of skewed photography that looks
neat. Or am I still dreaming?
Our journey is now complete. Call
Runaway Nightmare a dirt
cheap, supernatural porno without
the porn. Call it the life's work
of a dedicated crazy person. Just
don't call it good.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
For the first five minutes, this
tape had a serious case of "the
jumps." There were also lots
of squeaking noises. By God, Cartel
does it again!
EXTRAS
“Viewer discretion advised.
Nudity.”
FINAL THOUGHTS
Runaway Nightmare lasts
for a full 105 minutes. The "joke"
wears thin about halfway through.
At that point, you're free to sleep.
It’s a tough choice, but you’ve
got to make it. |
Coffin-dentially, she's nuts
My kinda girl
Point that thing at me
My kinda girl v.2
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