SATAN'S BLADE (1984)
Directed by L. Scott Castillo Jr.
Prism VHS
Reviewed 09.21.06
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba

THE FILM
I'm not going to lie. Nothing gets me more "in the mood" than a little courtroom-term foreplay. You know what I mean; "Hmm...I’m going to have to give this case my closest personal attention, counselor." Take me, Satan's Blade. I'm yours.

Welcome to Big Bear Lake, California. Two cabins. One mountain. A boob stab. Dysfunctional pianos and synths. And yes, judicial lingo before sex! Satan's Blade stirs a cauldron filled with wintery sprites and average buffoons. When that cauldron overflows, the world stands still. There's time to marvel at the snowy hills, cringe at the sudden brutality, and most importantly, rest your eyes while the camera captures the fine art of people walking from two miles away. Director L. Scott Castillo Jr. never made a peep again, but you shouldn't care. This is a cut-rate scuzz slasher from 1984. Ask for a mood and ye shall receive it.

Tony! Al! You guys kick ass. Chivalrous Tony twitches his mouth after every sentence. Disco Al is the king of punchlines. Together, they bring their wives to Big Bear Lake for a wild and crazy weekend. Next door, in cabin No. 3, a group of homely 80s babettes arrive to shake the mountain to its knees. That alone sounds like enough to get it going, but hold up. Apparently, a myth exists at the resort; the spirit of "a giant man" is said to prowl the mountaintops at night, searching for evil things to do. The kills begin. But what relation does our murderer have with Satan's Blade? And what's the deal with the sleepy bank robbery intro scenes? What the hell is Satan's Blade anyway? Why don’t we step into my private chambers to discuss this matter further.

Confusion is the magic word. Satan's Blade plows you over with a whammo introduction; blood, odd nudity, and deceit. Then, the film plows you under with an hour of "development" (booze, sex, fishing, fireplace soul-searching). Salvation comes in the form of a manic 20 minute climax and a truly frightening dream sequence slaughter. None of it makes sense until the final three minutes, but don't sweat it. The stark photography, wretched acting, and menial events erupt with that certain something, even amidst the waning chunks. You can see it in The Dorm That Dripped Blood. You can hear it during The Prey. You can taste it all the way through Honeymoon Of Horror. Satan's Blade joins the club. It's a junior member, but trust me: The old senses never fail.

AUDIO AND VIDEO
Sorry. I didn't notice anything about the presentation of the film. That's what happens when somebody talks dirty to ya.

EXTRAS
Prism for prez! Before the film unwinds, a dashed and blinking "COMING ATTRACTIONS" sign gets the pulse racing. The big P only delivers one trailer, but it’s a hit. The darkside of The Forest is waiting.

FINAL THOUGHTS
The end credits warn us that "The Legend Continues!" They're right. The rare Satan's Blade is not a must-own trash debacle, but it is special little moment in the super cheap, early 80s slasher timeline. If the chance presents itself, do not turn the other cheek.

Cabin No. 3: party all the time


Off the wagon


Blade power


A sure thing