SATAN'S BLADE (1984)
Directed by L. Scott Castillo Jr.
Prism VHS
THE FILM
I'm not going to lie. Nothing gets
me more "in the mood"
than a little courtroom-term foreplay.
You know what I mean; "Hmm...I’m
going to have to give this case
my closest personal attention,
counselor." Take me, Satan's
Blade. I'm yours.
Welcome to Big Bear Lake, California.
Two cabins. One mountain. A boob
stab. Dysfunctional pianos and synths.
And yes, judicial lingo before sex!
Satan's Blade stirs a cauldron
filled with wintery sprites and
average buffoons. When that cauldron
overflows, the world stands still.
There's time to marvel at the snowy
hills, cringe at the sudden brutality,
and most importantly, rest your
eyes while the camera captures the
fine art of people walking from
two miles away. Director L. Scott
Castillo Jr. never made a peep again,
but you shouldn't care. This is
a cut-rate scuzz slasher from 1984.
Ask for a mood and ye shall receive
it.
Tony! Al! You guys kick ass. Chivalrous
Tony twitches his mouth after every
sentence. Disco Al is the king of
punchlines. Together, they bring
their wives to Big Bear Lake for
a wild and crazy weekend. Next door,
in cabin No. 3, a group of homely
80s babettes arrive to shake the
mountain to its knees. That alone
sounds like enough to get it going,
but hold up. Apparently, a myth
exists at the resort; the spirit
of "a giant man" is said
to prowl the mountaintops at night,
searching for evil things to do.
The kills begin. But what relation
does our murderer have with Satan's
Blade? And what's the deal with
the sleepy bank robbery intro scenes?
What the hell is Satan's Blade anyway?
Why don’t we step into my
private chambers to discuss
this matter further.
Confusion is the magic word. Satan's
Blade plows you over with a
whammo introduction; blood, odd
nudity, and deceit. Then, the film
plows you under with an hour of
"development" (booze,
sex, fishing, fireplace soul-searching).
Salvation comes in the form of a
manic 20 minute climax and a truly
frightening dream sequence slaughter.
None of it makes sense until the
final three minutes, but don't sweat
it. The stark photography, wretched
acting, and menial events erupt
with that certain something, even
amidst the waning chunks. You can
see it in The
Dorm That Dripped Blood.
You can hear it during The
Prey. You can taste it
all the way through Honeymoon
Of Horror. Satan's
Blade joins the club. It's
a junior member, but trust me: The
old senses never fail.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Sorry. I didn't notice anything
about the presentation of the film.
That's what happens when somebody
talks dirty to ya.
EXTRAS
Prism for prez! Before the film
unwinds, a dashed and blinking "COMING
ATTRACTIONS" sign gets the
pulse racing. The big P only delivers
one trailer, but it’s a hit.
The darkside of The
Forest is waiting.
FINAL THOUGHTS
The end credits warn us that "The
Legend Continues!" They're
right. The rare Satan's Blade
is not a must-own trash debacle,
but it is special little moment
in the super cheap, early 80s slasher
timeline. If the chance presents
itself, do not turn the other cheek.
— Joseph A. Ziemba, 09.21.06 |
Cabin No. 3: party all the time
Off the wagon
Blade power
A sure thing
|
