SPINE (1986)
Directed by John Howard/Justin Simmonds
4-Play Video Inc. VHS
Reviewed 09.28.06
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba

THE FILM
Driving a Trans Am takes some backbone. Playing saxophone in Kenny Loggins's band takes a lot more. The killer in Spine is ready for both. Oh, what a fool believes.

Anybody up for a little bondage/rape fantasy? Basically a shot on video (SOV) fetish-fest masquerading poorly as a slasher, Spine is one of the rarest 1980s VHS horror tapes of all time. Obscure? Definitely. Useless? Even more so. Rather than over-sleazing us with gore and/or uncomfortable situations throughout (ala SOV gagger 555), Spine saves it all up 'til the end. Unfortunately, "it" isn't much. Fantastic jogging outfits. Inadvertent Bill Murray Caddyshack impressions. Gross misuse of "state of the art" computers. And yes, a leering, dry-hump rape scene after 30 minutes of bondage tedium. My Trans Am is officially out of gas.

Decked out with mirrored sunglasses, a Trans Am (yes!), and tight-ass jeans, the killer should be on a stage. He's not. Instead, our boy cuts up nurses and scrawls the name "Linda" on walls with their blood. But we don't get to see it. The cops clue us in with terrific detail; "He's one for five with the rapes!" and "He's obviously pissed off at somebody named Linda!" Soon enough, the plot begins to follow Carrie ("I go to swap meets a lot.") and her friend Leah. They're house-sitting. They work as nurses. The killer shows up at the house. Ropes, a switchblade, and baby-talk lead to a tired explanation and an even more exhausting "twist". Has it only been 72 minutes?

When the blood finally flows, there's a split-second, grimy shudder to the air of Spine. On the horror end, that's all we get. One-time directors John Howard and Justin Simmonds mastered the use of stationary tripods, mumbling actors, and zoom buttons. However, instead of using their terrific non-prowess for good (see Blood Lake for a great example), the two crafted a plodding pet project that caters to bent freaks. The results are rarely fun and slightly embarrassing to witness. Thank goodness for the occasional hilarity. If not for that, I would obviously be pissed off at somebody named Linda.

Trans Am or Sax? Sax or sex? The answers no longer matter. Sigh.

AUDIO AND VIDEO
Confined living rooms are used to their full advantage; sound is often muffled and picture quality is flat and intruding. Howard and Simmonds are big fans of the "fade to black" transition. It all spells low rent SOV through and through.

EXTRAS
4-Play Video Inc. delivers one of the greatest, most lurid VHS big boxes in my collection. "The bloodbath which ensues is horrible and terrifying!" The company is aptly named.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Spine is no good. The film's rarity conjures up visions of unknown beauty, but reality disagrees. Avoid unless you're an absolute SOV completist. Even then, you might want to dilly-dally before a search.

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Spined