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SPLATTER: ARCHITECTS OF
FEAR (1986)
Directed by Peter Rowe
North American Home Video Entertainment
VHS
Reviewed 02.09.06
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
A poor man's George Plimpton introduces
Splatter: Architects Of Fear
thusly: "It is the year two
thousand and two. The world has
been destroyed by the final holocaust
of nuclear fury." That may
be so, but the survivors still wear
Zubaz sweatpants. Yes, even despite
the nuclear fury.
Nerds of the world, unite! Splatter
is a shot on video (SOV) ode to
the little people. Namely, mid-80s
special effects studs that supplied
cruddy films with multi-eyed mutants
and full body dismemberment. In
this case, it's a production company
called Gory Philms, and they're
holed up in Toronto shooting a grue
and nudity soaked triumph that remains
untitled. Get it yet? Splatter
is an on-set documentary about the
making of a fictitious SOV film
in 1986. Before you leave the room,
consider this quote from our narrator,
following the explosion of a beer
bottle: "The effect would make
even Rambo proud." Color me
impressed.
To put it succinctly, Splatter
follows an uncluttered template.
We see the special effects scene
as it appears in the "movie"
(the screen carries a bloody border,
just in case you're challenged).
Then we get an inside look at how
each scene was created. There's
also a caffeinated comic relief
guy named Fang who helps out on
set; he was injured on a previous
film, resulting in a vampire tooth
and silly putty scars. Narration
helps us to understand that these
people are "experts" and
"professionals." Obviously.
As girls with mohawks and face paint
("Amazons") battle with
guys in underwear and latex masks
("Mutants"), each stunt
gets more ambitious, less convincing,
and more hilarious. A girl ties
a mutant to a wall, strips really
nude, and has sex with him. Instead
of an orgasm, his head blows up.
She says, "I fucked his brains
out." Another girl lays on
a bed and moans before a full dismemberment,
thanks to a latex body cast that
looks more like a wet sheet. If
we're lucky, we get slow motion
playbacks. The video culminates
in playskool explosions and people
doing doughnuts in a sandy parking
lot. Gory Philms knew a thing or
two about dishing out the Phucking
Phun.
Don't go pointing fingers. I have
no idea why the filmmakers chose
to create a fictitious documentary
as opposed to an actual SOV trash
film. Sure, Splatter is
a stupid, pointless excuse to ego-stroke
a couple of dorky effects guys that
say "sort of" too much.
It's also a determined exercise
in independent SOV horror, second
only to Gary
Cohen's work in terms of scope.
The gore effects are terrible, but
shine through in that slightly obsessive
mid-80s kind of way. Alas, that's
all water under the bridge. There's
only one reason to watch this film
today; to engage in beautiful, unexpurgated
hilarity in the comfort of your
own home. 1986 sure was a good year.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Director Peter Rowe used actual
Sony Betacams. We get to see 'em.
Naturally, the audio/video quality
of this videocassette is stunning.
EXTRAS
Sadly, no trailers are included.
Unfortunate. The possibilities could've
been endless. Fake trailers for
fake documentaries about films that
don't exist? Yes, please!
FINAL THOUGHTS
The sole SOV horror outing from
our friends in Canada, Splatter:
Architects Of Fear is a true
abnormality. Why was it made? What
was the point? Pish posh. These
are questions best left unanswered.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need
to get a resume out to my new favorite
Canadian production company. |
Watch out, Dad!
D.P. or hunk? You decide.
Weekend warrior
Very real
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