STAR TREK BLOOPERS (1988)
Directed by Dan Butts
Marquis Video VHS
THE FILM
Why is Marquis Video fucking with me?
People love Star Trek. It's a beloved film series. That much is obvious. Given the stature and prominence of this late 70s sci-fi blockbuster (and its several "sequels", which I haven't seen), you'd think that Marquis Video would cater to their audience. You'd think that they'd care enough about the people buying their product to imbue said product with exactly what the people buying their product would want to see on their TV screen. Do you know what I mean?
Now, when I go to the video store and see this Marquis tape, Star Trek Bloopers, sitting on the shelf, I get excited. Because even though I haven't seen the other movies because I disagree with the confusing order in which they were released, I think that the one movie I have seen is really good. Plus, I want to laugh. Especially because of bloopers. I love bloopers. So I think, "After I watch Pesadilla Fatal tonight, I think it would be good for me to watch this Star Trek Bloopers tape." So I rented it. I wanted to laugh because my new friend I met at the Walgreens said that laughing is good for the soul and she told me that. She said, "Laughin' is good for the soul, Joel." Her name is Janice. So I listened to Janice's advice and paid $3 and rented Star Trek Bloopers.
Imagine my chagrin when discovering that there was not one fucking blooper about Chewbucca on this tape.
I know that you understand what I am saying. Because $3 is $3. All of the money you own has to go someplace. So my $3 that I spent NOT seeing Obi-1 trip over his robe, NOT seeing Princess Lelia's buns, and NOT seeing Darth Vadern mess up what he is supposed to be saying is now somewhere at Marquis Video. And it makes me really upset. Because this is not where I want my money to be going. I did not pay for this. I fucking paid for Star Trek Bloopers.
Do you know what's on this tape? I will tell you. There are a bunch of guys in colored sweatshirts. One of them winks and smiles a lot and looks right at me and he has my step-Dad's haircut. Do not get me started on that. There is also another guy with vampire ears but no vampire teeth -- why? There are also those girls who exercise who are like Tatiana, but not Tatiana. Obviously. And anyway all of these people cross their eyes and talk about bacon and say things like "fuck" and "shit" but when they say them, there is a loud noise on the tape. It sounds like this: "BLEEEEEEEEEP!" Then, after 15 minutes of that, there is a commercial about girls putting powder on themselves and kissing (my favorite part…just kidding…no I'm not ha ha!). Then, after that, there is a bunch of black and white stuff that made me angry. What is this? Definitely fucking NOT Star Trek Bloopers. I was about to turn the fucking VCR off and smash the shit out of this tape when the tape fucking stopped at 46 minutes. Fuck.
I'm really upset right now. I can't stand it. I hate Marquis Video and I hate Star Trek most of all. I don't know what else to do because my ears are ringing and my chest feels hot and I can't stop pacing. I need to talk to Janice.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
It wasn't Star Trek Bloopers. I don't know what you expect me to say.
EXTRAS
Janice told me that her favorite song is something called "Love On The Rocks", so I went to AOL and looked that up. Let me tell you, it is a really beautiful melody. I know exactly what Janice is saying in this song. I can't wait to tell her.
FINAL THOUGHTS
This whole idea was a disaster. I hate it. If you have $3, you should keep it and not spend it on Marquis Video's Star Trek Bloopers. Or you should spend it on the real Star Trek Bloopers -- IF IT EVEN EXISTS I BET IT DOESN'T!! In fact, that's all I ever wanted. I just wanted to laugh at Star Trek Bloopers, like Janice told me. Why can't I laugh?
P.S. I called Dan on the phone to tell him about what happened and he said that the movie I'm thinking of is not called Star Trek.
P.P.S. Star Trek Bloopers is a funny tape. You should rent it.
— Joseph A. Ziemba, 03.24.11 |
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