SURVIVAL 1990 (1985)
Directed by Peter McCubbin
Video To Video VHS
Reviewed 08.03.06
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba

THE FILM
"Humans Vs. Mutants...Meltdown And Chaos!" That's a persuasive bit of box copy, eh? Let's examine the elements...before my head explodes.

Given the preceding declaration and seventh grade doodles on the big box cover, certain assumptions can be made. First, Survival 1990, another mid-80s made-for-TV film from Canada's Emmeritus Productions (Shock Chamber), must be shot on video (SOV). Second, if we're lucky, then maybe, just maybe, this film feeds from the same raving mad, post-apocalyptic trough as Splatter: Architects Of Fear. They're both Canadian. They both advertise mutants. And yes, they're both SOV. Sadly, not all of God's Children are created equal.

In 1986, a big bomb blew up the world. But don't fret! Three people, a pair of boat shoes, and part of the Casiogasmic score from Black Devil Doll From Hell made it through. Miranda (loin-cloth) and John (boat shoes, daisy-dukes; calling Tobias "never-nude" Fünke!) fend off their ruined home (two brick walls) against Vandals. Miranda can't remember anything past 1986. Therefore, she is deemed a "Mutant". She also asks questions. Why do we have winter? Where is the salt? What is a lawnmower? When Army guy Simon shows up, they all make friends. Miranda goes skinny-dipping. At 52 minutes, the Vandals show up. Simon engages in hair-raising hand-to-hand combat. There is an axe murder. Can I get another nuke?! Merci.

Survival 1990 is Larry Buchanan's In The Year 2889, just stretched out for three days, "updated" for the 80s, and lacking any hint of attractiveness. Basically, a few remedial actors sit around and talk melodrama for 80 minutes, while the sounds of fake owls and real locusts pout in the background. That's really it. There's no plot, no blood, no personality, no laughs, no meltdown, no chaos, and certainly no mutants. Emmeritus, go home!

AUDIO AND VIDEO
You can count on an S-VHS tape for state of the art visual clarity circa 1987, but don't trust the audio. Sometimes it was out of sync. Other times, I didn't notice. My eyes were generally fixated on a weird stain in the corner of the room.

EXTRAS
Hello, nurse! Two trailers precede the film and offer up more SOV disasters from Emmertius Productions. Deadly Pursuit and The Edge. So that's where all of the meltdown and chaos ended up.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Survival of the shittest. Easily my most difficult viewing experience in 2006, the exhausting Survival 1990 demands to be ignored and lost forever. These people were nuts.

Apocalypse chic


"I'm a soldier of fortune."


Love her when she's angry


Guy with a beard (Mutant)