TARANTULAS: THE DEADLY CARGO (1977) Directed by Stuart Hagmann
USA Home Video VHS
THE FILM
Find a tube of Benadryl. This one's gonna get itchy.
During the opening minutes of Tarantulas: The Deadly Cargo, a coffee smuggler notes, "This is just like that time in Algeria -- DAMN!!"
Algeria must be known for its adroitness in slow motion. Tarantulas is a bloated tugboat that deals in coffee and spiders. Yep. Coffee and spiders. Believe it or not, the concept of coffee smuggling fails to incite enthusiasm in both the audience (me) and the onscreen participants (the spiders). Yet, Tarantulas still runs with it. That's an indication. The sight of a hairy, gigantor spider makes my arm itch. The sight of a stumbling, 100 minute TV movie makes my ass itch. I'd like to say that the balance is mutually beneficial, but no one respects a liar.
Two pilots (Tom Atkins from Night Of The Creeps and Howard Hesseman from Head Of The Class!) smuggle 600 pounds of coffee beans from Equador to the U.S. of Ka-boom! Plane crash! Unbeknownst to the dudes, a group of tarantulas hitched. The accident sets 'em loose in the small town of Finleyville, CA. From there, people suffer the bite and drop like flies. An old man is also obsessed with oranges. Eventually, we find out that these "Banana Spiders -- The most aggressive and venomous in the world!" have taken up shop in the town's Orange crop factory. Quick! Get me two Fender Bassman amplifier stacks, a box of wasps, and a P.A.! Apparently, they're the only things that'll help.
Part disaster film, part funk-disco enforced 70s thriller, Tarantulas understands competence, but does not practice it. Many recognizable bit actors do their jobs well. The bland photography offers tense scenes based on the presence of the sleepy spiders alone, but doesn't slow things down. The rest of the film takes care of that. There's no hope for pacing; scenes lag in almost real time, piling on dippy tedium as each sequence unfolds. Tarantulas ends up taking forever to get literally nowhere. The stupendous non-ending attests to that.
Feel the itch.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Real slick. The film's presentation looks just as good as a VHS tape can hope to look. I also own an identical tape released by Star Classics, but it sports a goofy cover and doesn't play so well. Tarantulas was recently released budget-style to DVD by a company called Direct Source. I don't plan on checking it out.
EXTRAS
Hooray for USA (Home Video)! Immediately following the feature, a lovely spool of self-produced, (mostly) killer-animal trailers winds us down. Rattlers, Ants!, The Savage Bees, Terror Out Of The Sky, Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark, and 1984 will be available from USA Home Video in June, 1985. Mark your calendar.
FINAL THOUGHTS
You'll find no hints of Bad Ronald or Dark Night Of The Scarecrow here. Keep moving. Tarantulas: The Deadly Cargo is a TV movie with two left feet. It trips, stalls, and stutters repeatedly. I would suggest for it a nice pair of orthopedic shoes. With velcro, if possible.
— Joseph A. Ziemba, 01.25.07 | 
Latte bandit
Feets are failing me now
Don't open the window
Calcium nut
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