I
WAS A TEENAGE ZOMBIE (1987)
Directed by John Elias Michalakis
Charter Entertainment VHS
Reviewed 05.07.04
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
Well, I had to screw up sometime.
Luck is usually on my side when
it comes to picking up on awful
80s rubbish. I should have known
better -- the title was way too
obvious. Well, I might as well humor
myself for a few minutes...Imagine
the notion of combining “Teen
Wolf” and “Revenge Of
The Nerds” with two zombies
and you won’t even scratch
the idiotic, ripped-off surface
of this brain cell sucker. Grab
a Glad bag...
A group of high schoolers, including
the token jock, brain, nerd, punk,
and fat kid, all hang out together
and are obsessing to buy some “Mari-ju-hoobie.”
I know that sounds totally kick
ass, but don’t get out the
funny bone yet. Forget about the
zombies...where’s the realism?
Would this group of clowns really
get together in an ice cream shop
bathroom to toke some doobs? That
jock would be on probation SUPER
FAST. Anyway, the hilarious local
drug dealer, Mussolini (?!), sells
our gang some fake mary jane and
they want a refund. Moose is a real
bad dawg though, and he beats the
crap out of one of the kids. The
gang returns later, accidentally
killing Mr. M with a baseball bat.
They dump him in a river. The river
is contaminated with toxic waste,
which causes Mussolini to return
from the dead as a Lou Ferigno-inspired
zombie. Happy birthday! What follows
is some explicit gore (face ripped
off, decapitation three-pointer,
head cut in half), a ridiculous
love story, more drug humor, and
a zombie-rape scene in which a girl’s
legs are ripped off. The title character
shows up about an hour or so in.
Yeah, there are a few laughs sprinkled
throughout, but after the first
half hour, it’s straight down
the tubes (except for that tight
band playing at the spring dance).
There’s a real long stretch
where nothing happens and they pretty
much lost me after that rape scene.
Boneheaded attempt at lame “horror
comedy,” only not so funny,
just unpleasant and asinine.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
The one thing this film has going
for it is the soundtrack, which
for some odd reason features The
db’s, The Violent Femmes,
and The Waitresses, among others.
It’s pretty cool. Unfortunately,
the sound is in mono and hidden
under a layer of fuzz. Dialogue
is hard to make out. The picture
quality was surprisingly clear for
an old rental tape, but who cares?
EXTRAS
Yep, a trailer for the somewhat
infamous “Slaughterhouse”
precedes the film.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Ugh. Eject the tape after the first
thirty minutes or completely avoid.
Your choice. |
Calm down
Heavens to Betsy, here I come!
So real
He can't believe what just happened
|
