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TERRIFYING TALES (1989)
Directed by Armand Garabidian/Paul
Bunnell/Ephraim Schwartz
MNTEX Entertainment VHS
Reviewed 06.08.06
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
Terrifying Tales was so
damn terrifying that MNTEX Entertainment
couldn't reproduce images from the
film on the box cover. Too risky.
People would panic. Instead, they
used a still from Creepshow.
Stephen King and George Romero sued
for $1.80, but settled for $1.30.
MNTEX still went belly-up.
Box art follies, part two. The cover
quote reads, "BREATHTAKING...whizzes
all the technical stuff." Come
again? I've checked with Oxford's
finest and that makes no sense.
Flip to the back; "Combining
the best in special effects..."
(painted Coke can), "chase
scenes..." (none present),
"& color cinematography"
(yes, the film is in color). Red
flags are flying, but never high
enough. Terrifying Tales
nips at the ass of Ghost
Stories: Graveyard Thrillers
on the scale of extreme unwatchability.
That means it hurts. Please get
tough.
Cobbled together from three mid-80s
UCLA graduate projects (all with
individual opening and closing credits),
the sheer mass of inactivity in
this film is enough to...terrify!
In "Ten Seconds To Countdown,"
a fleeing woman is kidnapped by
Nasa robots from 2025 who out-Lovitz
Jon Lovitz with lines like "We
must ascertain the stimulus neurological
particles." There's also an
ape mask. "Final Destination:
Unknown" finds The Roadside
Strangler squaring off against demons
from Hell. The Devil has a license
plate that reads "2 BEOND"
and he cooks chili. Finally, "Creatures
Of Habit" focuses on a prostitute,
a coroner, and a retarded guy named
Charlie who likes Potatoes. The
coroner says, "I want to know
everything about you; what kinda
tampons do you use?" Brilliant!
At this point, it's a given that
Terrifying Tales will bore
you to death without explanation.
Despite some flashy photography
(on film, not tape), that's about
the size of it. 74 minutes of continual
no beginnings, no middles, and no
ends. The roots of anthology collections
are built upon simple stories, but
UCLA students were obviously too
cool for school in 1986. For their
sake, I hope graduation passed without
incident.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Mostly terrible; dark, scratchy,
grainy, and never charming. Tape
rolls were a problem during the
first five minutes. "Final
Destination: Unknown" flexed
some muscles in the hilariously
overdriven soundtrack dept. I bet
you're glad to know that.
EXTRAS
None, thank goodness.
FINAL THOUGHTS
"BREATHTAKING like a funeral,
Terrifying Tales whizzes
all over the technical stuff that
made Twilight Zone: The Movie
such a success. I'd rather eat a
rock." See what a little digging
can turn up? Stay away. |
Special-est effects
2 KOOL
I loved 8th grade
Like velvet
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