TERROR
IN THE SWAMP (1985)
Directed by Joe Catalanotto/Martin
Folse
New World VHS
THE FILM
As drive-ins sputtered out, just
how convoluted did the Bigfoot mythos
get? Try this on for size: In order
to “revolutionize the fur
industry,” two scientists
inject a hairy Nutria (swamp rat...I
guess) with human hormones; more
hair, more greenbacks, get it? Maddened
Mr. Nutria-Man embarks on bloody-murder
rampage. WHAT?! Only in the 80s.
Welcome to the muck-lands of Louisiana,
filled with fat slobs, creatively
named landmarks (Bluebird Bayou,
Alligator Point, and my fave, The
Hooch), and lots of cops with good
hearts. After a five minute monster
point-of-view intro, a beer swilling
hunter is ripped to bloody pulps
by an unknown assailant. Is it a
bear? A wildcat? Game warden Frank
has his fluffy eyebrows in a furrow,
along with the two or three policeman
milling around. Lucky us viewers
are in the know; Nutria-Man, a cross
between the Big Bad Wolf and the
bad guy monster from Swamp Thing,
is none-too-pleased to be walking
up on two legs. While he commits
further lurk-stalk-kills, two behemoth
brothers named Jesse and T-Bob join
their shack-housed father in “tracking”
the beast. Then the scientists get
involved. Then the army gets involved.
The townspeople revolt. A plane
flies back and forth for nearly
ten minutes, dousing pesticide on
a mob of angry hicks. Time to wrap
it up, guys.
For the most part, Terror In
The Swamp sucked me in. Sure,
it’s a little slow going overall,
but the film does a nice job of
climbing on a steady track of marshy
atmosphere and staying there, at
least for the first hour or so.
The haircuts are hilarious, you
can smell the skank coming off of
the big brothers, and they even
throw in a little moonshinin’
for good measure. In a very wise
move, the lo-fi creature is only
glimpsed at through the foliage,
unlike the ridiculous money-shots
in feces like Boggy
Creek II from the same
year. Sure, I would’ve shaved
off fifteen minutes and a couple
of character subplots if I had it
my way, but I don’t. Besides,
how can I knock an inappropriately
swell score from Jaime Mendoza Nava
(Orgy
Of The Dead, The
Legend Of Boggy Creek)?
Are we on a Universal backlot circa
1941?
Bottom line: if you like Bigfoot
films, Terror will most
likely tickle you pink. It’s
pretty bloodless, heavy on the eerie,
and light on the realism. Semi-PG-rated
fun. I’m just glad we’ve
got fake fur now, you know? I wouldn’t
want a Nutria-Man peeping in my
windows. Wait...what was that...?
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Greasy fingerprints always make
me cautious. Unfortunately, whoever
wiped the pizza cheese on the label
must have watched this tape about
fifty times. The picture was overly
soft and suffered from a couple
of audio muffle-waves. It looks
pretty bad, ok? The sound was perfecto
unless it was disappearing.
EXTRAS
A trailer for Defcon-4
is included before the feature.
Did you hear me? DEFCON-4! It looks
really terrible.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Not as bad as its reputation might
have you believe...in fact, not
too bad at all. Terror In The
Swamp is mindless, Bigfoot-themed
muck and can be found for dirt cheap
on VHS. Like a dollar. Yeti addicts,
have a look.
— Joseph A. Ziemba, 02.16.05 |
Tomato face
Time for a treadmill
John Ramboo
The creeps
|
