TERROR ON TOUR (1980)
Directed by Don Edmonds
Media Home Entertainment VHS
THE FILM
Terror On Tour just finished
up. I think I have an STD.
When you’re on tour, bags
of cocaine and naked ta-tas are
as common as autographed guitar
picks. Trust me. Or, if you’d
like a pro’s point of view,
check in with The Clowns. Made up
of real life band The Names (Rick
Styles, Chip Greenman, Rich Pemberton,
Dave Galuzzo; best names on earth!),
the exploits of The Clowns are well
documented in Terror On Tour.
Even if they’re not actually
on tour. But who cares? When you’ve
got a scummy exploration of dumb
people reciting their lines badly,
there’s not much room for
complaint. Now then, make sure you
repeat that chorus SEVEN times,
not six, and we can get down and
dirty.
They are The Clowns. Accompanied
by greasepaint, thick Chicago accents,
and on-stage gore theatrics, the
band is finally “making it”
after years of “paying our
dues.” They sound like Cheap
Trick covering Cheech & Chong’s
“Earache My Eye.” The
groupies love ‘em (“Y’know,
I think you’re better than
The Beatles or The Kiss!”),
the promoters dont get ‘em,
and the hipsters party with ‘em.
Even Johnn [sic] Wintergate and
Kalassu from Boarding
House show up for a backstage
food fight. Now that’s the
big time. Amidst all the coke and
bodily fluids, someone dressed in
The Clowns’ regalia is picking
off nude groupies after each show
(all of which take place at the
same venue). Two drunk cops are
on the case. Have one of The Clowns
taken it too far? Is the roly-poly
roadie REALLY just putting on the
make up to get laid? Snort it up.
Contrary to the excess on hand,
Terror On Tour is only
partly a romp in hilarity. Coming
from director Don Edmonds, who helmed
a couple of the mid 70s Ilsa
films, that’s not surprising.
The film wallows in grimy, disconnected
cheapness, without ever being too
explicit. As for the plot...there
isn’t one. Filthy locations
set the scene for sweaty sex, everyone
talks with awkward pauses, and the
whole thing feels like it was staged
at the end of an authentic weekend
‘lude binge. Cold synth blasts
included. That’s about all
there is to it. At the same time,
the idea of a film like this existing
fascinates to no end. Someone in
1980 actually preserved their cracked
take on the current state of rock
‘n’ roll, then infused
it with a little slasher chutzpah
to make a buck. Terror On Tour
is downbeat and moronic, but that
doesn’t mean you won’t
enjoy every minute of "loose
women, drugs, booze; you know, The
Scene."
For the ultimate in depressing laffs,
throw on Penelope Spherris’s
The Decline Of Western Civilization
Part II: The Metal Years after
making it through this film. Now
there's an experience that will
touch you.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
All would be well on this end, if
I could actually see what was going
on once in awhile. Except for the
speaker crackle. The Clowns also
go to eleven.
EXTRAS
I guess we’ll have to wait
until The Names release a 25th anniversary
CD of the Terror On Tour
soundtrack. Dudes, the clock is
ticking.
FINAL THOUGHTS
After returning from a check up,
I found out that it’s safe
to watch Terror On Tour
without a fear of catching anything
nasty. There’s nothing stopping
you now.
— Joseph A. Ziemba, 10.13.05 |
The boys are back in town
Silly, coke will get you everywhere
Grrr, vengeance!
Yes, you rule
|
