TRACK OF THE MOONBEAST
(1976)
Directed by Richard Ashe
Prism VHS
THE FILM
Come on, this one’s fun! An
odd, goofy, wonderful slop of a
sci-fi monster movie. Welcome to
New Mexico where everyone has a
good time even the fellows with
chunks of moon rock firmly embedded
in their skulls.
Paul — Mineralogist. Originally,
he worked with Johnny Longbow, Anthropologist!
Together they would uncover great
wonders about the Native tribes
of the area. But, Paul switched
to mineralogy at the last minute!
Paul? Are you all right? Turns out,
yes, he is. He’s buff, shares
a house with his Mom, has a haircut
that may become a toupee when he’s
in a hospital closet and a mustache
that may just be some sort of smudge
on the tape I have. He is our tragic
Character. One night, while watching
a meteor shower with Kathy, he gets
hit in the head with a moon rock.
It buries itself in his head and
he becomes…”the giant
Lizard who walks like a man”.
How will Paul be saved? And, will
it involve him sitting around in
his underwear a lot? Only time will
tell.
Kathy — Sweet Kathy. She’s
a photographer from NY or Los Angeles,
I forget. She’s not from around
here, let’s leave it at that.
She likes Paul and Paul likes her.
And, you know what happens when
two people like
each other? They go to folk rock
concerts together. She sticks by
Paul through the bad times and the
great times and the strange times
when she seems to suddenly age about
15 years. But, she has her charms,
as does Paul. But, neither charms
as much as...
Johnny Longbow — Professor
of Anthropology at the Local University.
His hair has elaborate and wonderful
folds. He is the one who pieces
together the mystery of “the
giant Lizard who walks like a man”
that’s been running around
killing folks. It’s all based
on an old Tribal legend. Mr. Longbow
makes a great stew. Just don’t
ask him what’s in it. It’s
not for you to know. He’s
good friends with Paul and Kathy
and the Sheriff and Bud and Bud’s
friend whose name I never remember.
Johnny is a smart man. He saves
the day. Just remember the stew
thing.
The Sheriff — Played by that
guy. The one in Sassy Sue And
The Cheerleaders. The truck
driver with the ascot who picks
up the Cadet returning to her hometown
in Graduation
Day. You’ll know
him when you see him. He’s
incredulous but he’s willing
to roll with it. He doesn’t
know much about this “…giant
Lizard who walks like a man”
but he’ll learn. However,
his attitude implies that he’s
learned a lot from Sue.
Bud — He makes birdcalls.
He’s studying with “Professor
Salinas”. (Who the hell’s
that?) [That’s Johnny
Longbow! -- B.S.] He’s
the “life of every party”
with his wackiness and goofballery.
And, frankly, he doesn’t have
much to do with anything. Maybe
he was there on the day of the shoot
and they incorporated him into the
film.
Bud’s Girlfriend — I
think her name might have been Bud,
also. She loves Johnny’s stew.
She spends her time laughing at
things Bud does and acting like
she disapproves of things Bud does.
I wish she had something to do with
the film because I’d have
more to say about her. Maybe her
and Bud were in a contemporaneous
film going on next door. We’re
only seeing them when they pass
by Track Of The Moon Beast.
The Bowling Guy and his Wife —
Their scene is awesome. He’s
home late from bowling and she won’t
let him in. He gets killed by the
“…Lizard who etc. etc.
a man”. Her heart gives out
on her when she sees her mutilated
husband. Their minute in the sun
is perfect. Everything you want
from a couple of odd people in a
low-budget 70s film. For a point
of reference, they are as great
as the old couple in The
Incredible Melting Man.
The Band — There are three
of them. They sing “California
Lady”. Paul, Kathy and Johnny
go to see them play. They’re
just fine. Kathy is from Los Angeles.
“California Lady’, don’t
you know.
The Anchorman — He’s
a nice guy. He tells us that a meteorite
is going to hit the moon, which
leads to bad things that culminate
in Paul’s skull.
A Series of Doctors and Others —
They’re all great. All distinctive.
From the man who talks about dinosaurs
to the condescending doctors at
the hospital where Paul goes to
get his head examined (literally)
to the strange man at the Photo
Store who you want to give a noogie
to. They’re all great. (The
Spell Check on this computer suggested,
“boogie” rather than
“noogie”. Give that
guy whatever you want. He seems
up for it.)
The Monster — It’s a
giant lizard that walks like a man.
It kills. Why? Well, he’s
been getting real desperate ever
since they closed down the Auto
Plant in Mahwah late that month.*
Track Of The Moon Beast
is one of those movies that has
something odd happening in every
scene whether it be a look, a mustache,
the odd delivery of a line, a strange
transformation scene or any of about
100 other things. This film is leaking
entertainment. It may get a touch
slow here and there but it always
perks up before it goes off track.
Seek it out and all the folks I
mentioned will be your friends.
Hi, Johnny Longbow! Are you and
Kathy happy together? She seemed
like a sweety. Shame about that
Moon Beast stuff. So it goes.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
My VHS tape is grotty! But, it fits
a New Mexico desert landscape real
nice. The sound was solid with dollops
of hiss spread on like butter. The
picture got a little fuzzy. Well,
I take that back. It got real fuzzy
(see my mustache remark earlier)
but I saw everything I was supposed
to. Frankly, once a film starts,
I see what it looks like and go
from there. After about five minutes,
I don’t even notice the quality.
It’s all part of The Viewing.
EXTRAS
A great show with Ricky Gervais.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Great fun. Knee deep in the 70s
but charming, not sleazy. A great
film to watch alone or in its Mystery
Science Theater 3000 version.
My wife and I have watched that
episode about 12 times. It makes
us laugh every time. I recommend
watching it in its original form
first. Then, if you can find a copy,
watch the MST3K version. Either
way, 80-odd minutes of Weird Film
Joy.
Johnny Longbow, you remain forever
in our hearts!**
*Oh hell, that’s Johnny 99.
It’s Monday and I’ve
already got Johnnies on my mind.
** You too Paul and Kathy and Sheriff
and Bud and Bud’s Friend and
all the others.
— Dan Budnik, 05.03.07 |
Longbow wuz here
Oh, Kath
Sweet minerals
Steeee-rike
|
