TRACK OF THE MOONBEAST (1976) Directed by Richard Ashe
Prism VHS
THE FILM
Come on, this one’s fun! An odd, goofy, wonderful slop of a sci-fi monster movie. Welcome to New Mexico where everyone has a good time even the fellows with chunks of moon rock firmly embedded in their skulls.
Paul — Mineralogist. Originally, he worked with Johnny Longbow, Anthropologist! Together they would uncover great wonders about the Native tribes of the area. But, Paul switched to mineralogy at the last minute! Paul? Are you all right? Turns out, yes, he is. He’s buff, shares a house with his Mom, has a haircut that may become a toupee when he’s in a hospital closet and a mustache that may just be some sort of smudge on the tape I have. He is our tragic Character. One night, while watching a meteor shower with Kathy, he gets hit in the head with a moon rock. It buries itself in his head and he becomes…”the giant Lizard who walks like a man”. How will Paul be saved? And, will it involve him sitting around in his underwear a lot? Only time will tell.
Kathy — Sweet Kathy. She’s a photographer from NY or Los Angeles, I forget. She’s not from around here, let’s leave it at that. She likes Paul and Paul likes her. And, you know what happens when two people like
each other? They go to folk rock concerts together. She sticks by Paul through the bad times and the great times and the strange times when she seems to suddenly age about 15 years. But, she has her charms, as does Paul. But, neither charms as much as...
Johnny Longbow — Professor of Anthropology at the Local University. His hair has elaborate and wonderful folds. He is the one who pieces together the mystery of “the giant Lizard who walks like a man” that’s been running around killing folks. It’s all based on an old Tribal legend. Mr. Longbow makes a great stew. Just don’t ask him what’s in it. It’s not for you to know. He’s good friends with Paul and Kathy and the Sheriff and Bud and Bud’s friend whose name I never remember. Johnny is a smart man. He saves the day. Just remember the stew thing.
The Sheriff — Played by that guy. The one in Sassy Sue And The Cheerleaders. The truck driver with the ascot who picks up the Cadet returning to her hometown in Graduation Day. You’ll know him when you see him. He’s incredulous but he’s willing to roll with it. He doesn’t know much about this “…giant Lizard who walks like a man” but he’ll learn. However, his attitude implies that he’s learned a lot from Sue.
Bud — He makes birdcalls. He’s studying with “Professor Salinas”. (Who the hell’s that?) [That’s Johnny Longbow! -- B.S.] He’s the “life of every party” with his wackiness and goofballery. And, frankly, he doesn’t have much to do with anything. Maybe he was there on the day of the shoot and they incorporated him into the film.
Bud’s Girlfriend — I think her name might have been Bud, also. She loves Johnny’s stew. She spends her time laughing at things Bud does and acting like she disapproves of things Bud does. I wish she had something to do with the film because I’d have more to say about her. Maybe her and Bud were in a contemporaneous film going on next door. We’re only seeing them when they pass by Track Of The Moon Beast.
The Bowling Guy and his Wife — Their scene is awesome. He’s home late from bowling and she won’t let him in. He gets killed by the “…Lizard who etc. etc. a man”. Her heart gives out on her when she sees her mutilated husband. Their minute in the sun is perfect. Everything you want from a couple of odd people in a low-budget 70s film. For a point of reference, they are as great as the old couple in The Incredible Melting Man.
The Band — There are three of them. They sing “California Lady”. Paul, Kathy and Johnny go to see them play. They’re just fine. Kathy is from Los Angeles. “California Lady’, don’t you know.
The Anchorman — He’s a nice guy. He tells us that a meteorite is going to hit the moon, which leads to bad things that culminate in Paul’s skull.
A Series of Doctors and Others — They’re all great. All distinctive. From the man who talks about dinosaurs to the condescending doctors at the hospital where Paul goes to get his head examined (literally) to the strange man at the Photo Store who you want to give a noogie to. They’re all great. (The Spell Check on this computer suggested, “boogie” rather than “noogie”. Give that guy whatever you want. He seems up for it.)
The Monster — It’s a giant lizard that walks like a man. It kills. Why? Well, he’s been getting real desperate ever since they closed down the Auto Plant in Mahwah late that month.*
Track Of The Moon Beast is one of those movies that has something odd happening in every scene whether it be a look, a mustache, the odd delivery of a line, a strange transformation scene or any of about 100 other things. This film is leaking entertainment. It may get a touch slow here and there but it always perks up before it goes off track. Seek it out and all the folks I mentioned will be your friends. Hi, Johnny Longbow! Are you and Kathy happy together? She seemed like a sweety. Shame about that Moon Beast stuff. So it goes.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
My VHS tape is grotty! But, it fits a New Mexico desert landscape real nice. The sound was solid with dollops of hiss spread on like butter. The picture got a little fuzzy. Well, I take that back. It got real fuzzy (see my mustache remark earlier) but I saw everything I was supposed to. Frankly, once a film starts, I see what it looks like and go from there. After about five minutes, I don’t even notice the quality. It’s all part of The Viewing.
EXTRAS
A great show with Ricky Gervais.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Great fun. Knee deep in the 70s but charming, not sleazy. A great film to watch alone or in its Mystery Science Theater 3000 version. My wife and I have watched that episode about 12 times. It makes us laugh every time. I recommend watching it in its original form first. Then, if you can find a copy, watch the MST3K version. Either way, 80-odd minutes of Weird Film Joy.
Johnny Longbow, you remain forever in our hearts!**
*Oh hell, that’s Johnny 99. It’s Monday and I’ve already got Johnnies on my mind.
** You too Paul and Kathy and Sheriff and Bud and Bud’s Friend and all the others.
— Dan Budnik, 05.03.07 | 
Longbow wuz here
Oh, Kath
Sweet minerals
Steeee-rike
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