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VAMPIRE WOMAN (REEL #2)
(1996)
Directed by David "The Rock"
Nelson
David "The Rock" Nelson
VHS
Reviewed 04.17.08
Review by Dan Budnik
Buy
It From David "The Rock"
Nelson
THE FILM
If you've read Reel
#1, then you know where we left
off. Vampire Woman (VW) is strolling
around the Chicago area killing
people. However, near the end of
the first reel, people began to
arm themselves with crosses and
such. When Reel #2 begins, VW is
forced to start killing animals
because everybody is keeping her
at bay. In fact, there is a two-minute
sequence where she stands in the
woods chewing on a big chicken leg.
The point is made...
Detective Rock continues to hunt
down the VW. But, in this half,
VW has made it personal. Family
members and fellow cops (or whatever
Detective Rock is) and folks you'll
recognize from other Dave “The
Rock” Nelson films are hunted
down and brutally killed by VW.
In the end, the Rock is left alone.
Finally, he admits that this crazy
woman is a vampire and a harrowing
chase through the graveyard begins.
The second half of VW is
better and worse than the first
part. The random padding, which
is so very charming in the first
half, starts to become a bit tiresome
here. I, frankly, got a little tired
of the Rock eating. VW creeping
around made me a little sleepy,
although Janet is as charming as
ever. The Rock goes to a bar to
bemoan the deaths of his friends
and that gets a bit tiring. And,
unfortunately, the final chase had
me fidgeting.
However, the Rock taketh and then
he giveth...boy, does he ever.
The Rock Ensemble Players are out
In Force.
“The Chief”, Dr. Gerry,
“The Fiend”, “Ozzie”,
“Noodles”, Mr. Nelson,
the other Nelson brother, Mike Johnson...they're
ladled all over the second half
of Vampire Woman like a
strong gravy made with anchovies
and scrod. If you don't know who
any of these people are (and with
some of them I've deliberately put
just their nicknames), it's time
to learn. VW isn't actually
the best place to do that but the
quicker you meet The Rock's supporting
cast, the more fun it becomes to
watch and enjoy.
I think the best Ensemble Member
appearance in here is...“12-15
minutes with Noodles” —
About 25 minutes in, we see a live
performance from The Rock's late
brother Keith “Noodles”
Nelson. I think the performance
takes place on St. Patrick's Day
1992. Five full minutes of Noodles
on stage wearing a sombrero doing
something or other. I thought it
might be stand-up but it's not.
He starts talking and then trails
off. He starts on something else
and yells at the audience. He starts
another bit and then it ends. Intercut
with all of this is The Rock sitting
in front of a wall applauding (or
“clapplauding” as I
call it) and yelling his encouragement
across time. Then, we see “Noodles”
performing a scene from a movie,
which I'm not familiar with, three
times. It's awesome and slightly
disturbing.
But, not as disturbing as the visit
to Elsie Slater. I think she is
the Rock's grandma. She's in a hospital
bed. The Rock goes to visit her
(not really) and talks to her about
the Vampire Woman. Intercut with
the Rock at his calmest is footage
of Elsie in bed dubbed with the
Rock's voices saying things like
“Heh-heh-heh”. It's
a remembrance that feels so very
odd. And, its place in the movie
is a little off. This scene occurs
about 3 hours and 45 minutes in.
The Rock chases VW around. We stop
for this lengthy scene. Then, he
chases the VW around until the end.
The hospital scene should have probably
been long before the final chase
scenes. It's a bump in the movie
that gave me furrowed brows until
the end.
Luckily, that is the last half hour
of the whole thing. Before that,
we get a long period of time with
Mike Johnson as “Sgt. Pepper”.
Mike plays the best Frankenstein
Monster ever in the “John
Wayne Fakey Meets The Monster”
short from 1992. Here he brings
the same bemused style of line delivery
to the Sergeant. The way he says
“There appears to be a dead
body on the roof” is possibly
one of my favorite moments in the
four hours. He brings a little bit
of shine to the end of the third
hour and the start of the fourth.
There's a possibility that when
he dies some of the energy drains
out of the movie.
You know, I'm sorry. It happened
again. I still don't know how to
review something like this. It's
a series of in-jokes, cameos from
folks we don't know and glorious
enthusiasm that doesn't work on
a “Thumbs Up/Thumbs Down”
basis. The Rock makes films completely
for himself specifically to show
other people. That's a combination
that resists criticism. So, again,
I end up listing my favorite bits.
It's insufficient but it's all I
can think of.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
This is what Blu-Ray was made for.
It's clearer. It's sharper. It's
43% brighter in the reds than DVD.
Enjoy!
EXTRAS
30 seconds at the end — after
the movie — the Rock is turning
into a werewolf. Janet is whipping
him. Then, my tape ends. Awesome.
FINAL THOUGHTS
You buy the two reels together.
I've sat and watched all four hours
in a row. That gets a little rough,
especially in the rather trying
final half-hour. If you split it
up, it's much easier to watch although
it misses the full accumulation
of stuff happening. In the end,
if what you've read here sounds
interesting, give it a try. The
Rock would appreciate it. And, I
think you might have a lot of fun.
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The Fearless Vampire Hunters
Do not disturb
Investigataz
Born to eat
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